Monday, September 22, 2014

Life of a Football .... errr ... Life of a Litigant.

A novice approaches the lawyer for a small problem (a size of a marble).

Petitioner's lawyer wraps it with few shredded fragments of Acts (that he lawyer himself barely understands and keeps referring to book called Bare Acts). Using all his skills, He develops the problem into the size of golf ball. Original problem is still clearly visible through the gaps he has left.

Defendant's Lawyer, in turn, does his due diligence and wraps around few more fragments of few more Acts and makes the problem into the size of a cricket ball.

Both lawyers ensure that they collect fees in same quantum as they had paid for their entire law education from both clients.

After that, the ball is sent into the Play Court for decade or bicentennial Cricket/ Hockey/ Football/ Rugby/ Exotic Match. Every play session lasts 10 minutes but gap between two sessions is 6 months. Gap of six months is only their for the folks with lucky balls, as in balls overloaded with luck. (All intend-able pun intended).

Tribunals, Metropolitan, District, JMFC, JMSC, Arbitration, Conciliation, High Court Single Judge, Division Bench, Constitution Bench, Full Bench, Supreme Court and players with such and such lofty names fly down to the Play Courts each day, every day. Some players come to ground with old but reliable Cricket bats. Others use Hockey Sticks. Some prefer Tree twigs. Others just like to Kick. Few come empty handed and keep snatching whatever they can from wherever they can.

Each of the player takes his turn in the playground and take turns passing the ball around. Very seasoned and very skilled players can do juggling of multiple such balls thru its entire day.

Most of the time Petitioner's and Defendant's Lawyer keep running around the ground but they never kick or play with the ball. Instead, every time, their client's ball goes stationary and goes out of the breath, they set it up so that big players can kick it around thereby granting it a new lease of life to be kicked around.

Sometimes, some players picks up a ball and throws it away, way away and way outside the ground. When that happens, lawyers for the parties whose ball was thrown out, fetch the ball back, unshred few fragments of the worn out Acts and apply few fresh fragments of brand new Acts and put the ball back into the Court.

Lucky Litigants who sees his lawyer arguing with the lawyer(s) of opposite side, can barely/faintly hear that they are talking about him. His name was certainly announced by a man with the clearest and loudest voice in the whole building.

Unless he is a very sharp man, he cannot even tell that they are arguing about his problem. Arguments go on about this section, that sub-section, first clause, third provisio, Latin, German and other such geeky greeky stuff.

He can hear them arguing about exotic names and exotic places, this and that act, that and this Lord who said ABC in DEF vs XYZ case on so and so date at so and so place. More expensive the lawyer, more exotic sounding names get thrown around.

The Petitioner and The Defendant, are either absent from this match. Even when they are present, they are gagged and forced to witness this strangely bewitching ball game and they are reminded again and again that they must to stay quiet even when they are dreading the inevitable end that when match ends, they are once again going to fork out month's salary for 10 minute play.

Pain of realizing that it is their money, their Kid or Job or whatever is at stake, is exclusively theirs. He pays through his nose and all other orifices to cover up for their sins and indulgence of wasting scarce environmental resource with reckless abandon.

By the time matter reaches Apex, his problem is hardly visible. He has to read his notes to remember and look at old grayed out photos to see what his marble once used to look like.

In the end, if he is very lucky, his problem/his precious marble will be enshrined for eternity for entire world to see in its precis'd down into one paragraph at the top of 40 page judgment.

All the lawyers are so excited about the arguments and judgments and Acts that in the end, they even forget to even tell the litigants in plain English, as to who won.